Crystal Lake: scarier that the one in the slasher movie

There should be some sort of fine when people behave in a stereotypical manner. When you live close to such a place you should be allowed to get some sort of tax break as incentive for trying to raise the collective I.Q.

Case in point. I live near one of the whitest counties in Illinois, McHenry, where you better like Bush, and, if you are a guy, in more ways than one.

In a real Chamber of Commerce moment, the county’s biggest town, Crystal Lake was in the news for its park district voting 2-2 and thus denying request to have a canoeing one of the Gay Games events over the summer.

As far as I can tell, all the gays wanted to do was canoe, and it was like the natives thought that the International Fist-Fucking Festival was coming to town.

(Though one funny moment: a TV reporter said the group chose the lake because it was long and wide.)

One of the commissioners, David Phelps,is quoted as saying, "I do not believe the Crystal Lake Park District should be a vehicle for the promotion of an agenda."

What exactly is the "gay agenda" anyway? Do you know where I can get a copy so I know if and when I am being indoctrinated and if I might even like it?

One of the people I saw expressing her deepest concern was upset about AIDS and gays. And, as far as I know, you can't get AIDS from canoe paddles being used in the proper manner.

I say they should form a group: Keep the Queers Out of Crystal Lake (KQOCL - pronounced “cockle”).
Of course, they have a nice performing arts center, so that would probably have to be monitored very closely. So will the hair salons. Maybe even the showers at the local gyms.

I hear there are gay-sniffing poodles and cocker spaniels who cab pick out those people by the stylish scent they have.

Cockle sure will have its hands full, so to speak.

All this, at the very least, should wind up on The Daily Show.

But obviously, it’s sort of sad, too. I mean, it’s just canoeing by gay people. Do you really think you can choose who you fall in love with? Is that an agenda? Is that canoeing?

And this open hostility was a wake up call for me. I mean you kind of figure some things are part and parcel of the lifestyle out here, but it really shocks you when you see them acted out like that (to turn an observation on its head).

The funny thing about a lot of the homophobes is that they don’t want gays to marry, then they call them promiscuous (And, like no bars in Crystal Lake serve as pick-up joints for pre and extra marital sex. No fucking way!)

Also, the make their Jesus a single guy in his 30s, living with his mom who hangs out with 12 other guys. And that either makes him Irish or....

Anyway, some buddies of mine who live up in Crystal Lake used to drink at a place that was owned by a gay guy. A corner bar like any other. The beer was just as cold.

The guy had a bit of a drinking problem, which got him into trouble, and he wound up killing himself.