PLEASE ADOPT ME!

Well, God bless them. My parents finally sold their home and are moving to California to live by my brother and my sister and her family.

Essentially, that leaves me alone in Illinois, which in a way feels nice. But with genetic tendencies toward being a hermit crab, this in not necessarily a good thing for me - and me is what really counts, ain’t it?

Oh sure, you say. I could go out and find someone of my own, but I don’t think you want to go there.

In fact, I am sure you don’t want to know about my most recent attempts at dating. Comic though they may be, I’m not dumb enough to put them on a blog (on the slim chance my boss, that cheerleader I used to know, the ASPCA, or someone from Crystal Lake, Illinois might read this).

Still, my New Year's resolution to get out more officially lasted until March, a full two months, which is longer than I expected. This looks like the weekend that will break the streak of going out at least one night/day each weekend with other people.

Yes, it's my deep dark secret (one of them) that I can go whole weekends with this being my entire real life interaction with others: go to gym Friday night then again Saturday morning; go to grocery store or other place for food; play basketball Sunday mornings.

Which is why, since I am becoming a sort of orphan in middle age I have this idea: someone here in Illinois, one of you couples who really, really want to have kids ADOPT ME.

There are some sound reasons:

1. I am, for the most part, already potty trained and can speak in reasonably complete sentences.

2. I have a minivan you can use to haul around other kids.

3. Since I do play basketball, you can come watch me Sunday mornings.

4. You won’t have to give me an allowance. As I am a writer, I pretty much make what a teen gets these days all on my own, thank you.

5. I am pretty much out of the house by 9 and back home by 7:30 most days, and have no problem following a curfew.

6. Since I am probably at least as old as you are, you won’t have to worry about leaving me an inheritance.

7. I like to mow the lawn, shovel snow and am willing to take out the garbage.

8. You can brag that your kid was a Phi Beta Kappa in college - and won’t have to pay any steep tuition for the privilege.

9. I am way bigger than the other kids, so I can kick the crap out of any of them. Also, I can lift stuff.

10. I promise not to bring anyone back to my room (and you can ask the people who live downstairs from me to verify this).

The drawbacks:

1. I like to eat. A lot. But unlike many a teen, or husband, or wife or significant other, I am an appreciative eater.

2. I am a bit of a slob, so you will have to nag me to keep my room clean.

3. You may have to treat me to a movie if you want the house to yourselves over the weekend.

So, please, consider it. I could make you proud, and in time you will learn to love me like your very own.