Let the game begin: Deconstructing lousy ads, Part I

With Super Bowl 39 (let's stop the stupid Roman numeral pompous ass shit once and for all) coming up Sunday, I thought I'd get a head start ripping on ads that have been bugging me lately. I figure there will be plenty more of these after the game, especially in light of agencies being afraid of offending anyone after America saw a nipple at halftime last year.

Mind you, in football, as a recent Sports Illustrated article pointed out, when there is a fumble and a dog-pile, the guy at the botton is having his nuts and balls grabbed by people he isn't dating and his eyes gouged as if he were taking part in some weird religious rite.

Speaking of crotches, topping my list are ads for US Cellular where a mid-level executive has a new phone attached to his belt. He keeps shoving his ass or package into the face of his coworkers and friends to show off his new toy.

I'm pretty sure in most work places this could be construed as sexual harassment. If not, it should be. I get uncomfortable just watching the ad, and I sure as hell don't want to buy one of the phones after seeing it.

Second on my list is a spot for Nike apparel. This one features famous male athletes, including Brian Urlacher, in tight-fitting warm-up gear, posing very artsy-fartsy, like they are in some forgotten video from an 80s new wave band.

The jocks all make surly faces and strike freakish poses. Then there are cuts to the jungle and shots of scary animals. Next the athletes all have weird masks on: one is some sort of metallic antelope, another looks like an updated Greek god, and Urlacher has a barbed wire box over his mug, like a horror movie character.

To be politically incorrect about it, the ad seems pretty gay boys in bondage. Not that there is anything wrong with that -- I mean, Nike knows how to niche market.

Next on my list is a radio ad for Monster Jobs, a testimonial from Alex Trebeck on the skill set needed to be a game show host. I bet there are a lot of postings for such a gig. And I'm pretty sure the Canadian quizmaster didn't use the Web to get his career jump started.

I could go on -- drug ads for conditions that effect very small portions of the population help drive the costs of medicine and health insurance up for all of us. And that I saw a commercial qualifies me to recommend to a doctor what drug he should prescribe?

But I am Rooney-ing. It is past my bedtime.