It's the Pitts: Why do celebrities keep breaking our hearts?

So I get this message today:

"I think you should do a story on the Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt split. I mean, I was crushed. I've been reading stories, and others feel the same way. Seriously, I think it's because they were married the same year as my husband and I were.

Believe me, I know it is silly to feel this way. The story could be why it's so disturbing for people to get personally affected by a stupid celebrity couple's relationship. You could talk to a psychologist about this phenomenon.

Or, you could do a story about whose side people are choosing. I would be friends with Brad, not just because he's damn cute. Okay, it's because he's damn cute. It was probably Jennifer's fault anyway because she is working so much. Anyway, it could be an intriguing story.

Also, the tabloids were right about this. Does this give them more credibility?"

I think these questions are on the minds of many, if not most Americans right now, so I will leave you all with time to reflect, to rifle through the 31-page spread in US and the 18 pages in People.

WHY! WHY! WHY! Why do our unnaturally attractive friends break our hearts like this?

I take solace that they didn't breed. Imagine the Aryan baby they would have had, the uberman Nietzsche wet dream finally unleashed on the world.

Maybe that's it: The guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code foresaw that if the Pitts had children it would be the start of the Apocalypse. Being Hollywood liberals, they weren't about to let that happen.