It's too hot to type (my ass sticks to the chair)

I haven’t blogged in awhile. So what. No one reads the damn thing, anyway.

Besides it’s summer, and I got the blues -- or maybe it's a heat rash. It’s been over 90 every day for a week and hasn’t rained in a month, like Arizona suddenly was added to the Midwest.

This weather is only for skinny, white rich kids who can sit by the pool all day, not fat asses like me whose body composition is 30 percent candle wax.

I’m tired, cranky, gas is $2.33 a gallon, the air was orange Monday night, and if I’m not mistaken the NBA is still playing basketball.

No, wait. That ended. I’m confusing Manu Genobli for Tom Cruise, who won’t shut up, the fucking moron Scientologist. Anyone who believes the souls of space aliens are imprisoned on Earth and the cause of all our woes should really shut the hell up about pretty much anything.

And I should stop swearing. Everytime you curse an angel breaks his wings. That’s what I told a coworker who has a potty mouth. She swears like she’s in a David Mamet play. At least her clothes fit -- unlike somebody else who sits way too close to me.

Speaking of disturbing images, what’s up with that commercial with bears wiping their asses with toilet paper and dancing around trees, which seem to serve as some sort of woodsy toilet? To which demographic does this appeal? Why do I keep getting haunted by this? Maybe Cruise is right. Maybe cartoon bears are space aliens, too, with dingleberries.

Speaking of animals, I learned from TV news that dogs supposedly can detect cancer by their sense of smell. So, can they tell if they have it? Is that why they sniff each others butts? It really makes you think.

Thinking isn’t something too popular these days. Case in point: Guantanamo, or Git-Mo, as the kids call it.

My thoughts on prison torture: Does it really work? Plus, right before 9-11 we pretty much had our heads up our asses. Then, all of a sudden, just a few months later they round up all these people, as if we knew all along they were bad asses.

Hasn’t it crossed your mind that Afghans who were pissed off at their neighbors, for, let’s say, not having them over for dinner, or for being an asshole in general, just convinced some dumbass spook that Akmahd was down with Osama?

And when you pretty much cart away people from a country as poor as Afghanistan, wouldn’t a better, more fun form of fucking with them be to kill them with kindness?

Show them the best America has to offer. Get ‘em laid. Get ‘em drunk. Take ‘em to Disney Land, the Grand Canyon, Macy's. Expose them to central air conditioning, indoor plumbing, and the all-you-can eat buffet. Just keep ‘em away from reality TV -- that will piss off anybody with half a brain.

But hey, that wouldn’t be frat boy thinking, would it? Guys who make other guys eat donuts off each other's dicks to join their little clubs run too much of America, America. And if they do this to their closet case friends, imagine the fun they have with foreigners.

Speaking of bad thoughts, I went to a couple neighborhood parties over last weekend. I was introduced to this old guy whom I was told used to live nearby. Someone asked him what he’s been up to since retiring, and he mentioned traveling a lot, primarily to Mexico and Thailand.

Thailand is a 31 hour trip, he said, and it takes him a few weeks to get his bearings. But he goes for a few months each winter.

Why? Because you can buy anything you want there.

Wait. Like Chuck Berry sang, Can’t you buy anything you want here in the USA. Oh. Now I get it. Ick.

And the old guy has a German accent, which made it all seem creepier.
I’m glad he moved -- and that I have no kids.

Thank you for swimming in my stream of conscious. Be glad it’s not a retention pond. According to masters of the obvious local newspapers, those aren’t very safe places for taking a dip.

In other related news, studies show bathing in a mix of duck shit, pesticides, herbicides, fertilizer and road runoff is probably bad for your health.

In other words, you may not need a weatherman to tell you which way the wind blows, but some news editors think you’re that goddamn stupid.

Of course, people do sometimes drink that much. There’s the story, oh keepers of the fourth estate -- how to keep people from doing stupid shit when they are drunk.

Oops. Another angel is in a cast.

In parting, I leave you with a brief history of time. Here goes: .,:

Think about it.

P.S. That new pretty boy they have hosting Nightline looks like:

A) A gay porn star
B) A reptile in human guise, like in that old horror movie
C) Shepard Smith (wait, that’s the same as B)
D) ABC’s homegrown proof of cloning