Holy stains and Sidious Popes

In the wake of Pope-mania, The Daily Herald of Arlington Height has featured no less than three stories about religious imagery found on everyday objects.

There was an egg in Elgin that allegedly was found with a cross shape on it. The family claims it has brought them good luck, including a lottery win. They were putting it up for auction on eBay.

Of course, like most media they were all over the underpass stain in Chicago that allegedly looked like the Virgin Mary. It also looks like a robed boxer, the wine bottle logo from the film Sideways, and a vagina.

Not to be outdone by the big city, a reader told The DH about his turtle, which also supposedly has the image of Mary on its belly. The shape also looks sort of like like King Arthur or maybe one of the wizards from Lord of the Rings.

I love when the media encourages the superstitious side of belief. They rarely interview anyone to counter what the visually challenged claim to see. That might offend those of faith.

But it offends me that such reports reduce faith to a belief that God would waste time doing cheap magic tricks.

If you have a so-called lucky egg that you think has something to do with a Supreme Being is it really such a good idea to auction it off on eBay? That’s bad karma. And, unless maybe you needed the money to fight cancer or because you lost your job, why they hell would God want you to win the lottery? And weren’t eggs co-opted from the pagans as religious symbols?

As for the stain, a Sun-Times columnist pretty much summed it up when he noted that none of the stain-starers lifted a finger to help a homeless man standing nearby who was holding a sign asking for help. I guess the stain wasn’t communicating the message of Christian charity very well.

Now the turtle guy seemed like he thought is was sort of funny. Yet, he called the paper to get a story. Lo and behold he got one. Maybe God is mad about the Bush Administration’s shitty record on the environment and is pissed off about all the SUVs.

If I were an editor faced with such silliness, I would sent a cameraman or a photographer to find stains and odd shapes throughout the coverage area. I’m looking at some wood paneling right now and have seen a set of nipples or an owl, Homer Simpson and Chewbacca from Star Wars.

And already making the e-mail rounds is a set of photos showing how the new pope, Eggs Benedict XVI looks way too much like Star Wars villain Darth Sidious. The Pope is German, which adds to this menacing thought.

I haven’t seen much about that in the mainstream media, because they would consider it irreverent and maybe even sacrilegious. And the man is infallible, you know.

But what if the Darth thing is the real warning from heaven, instead of some water leaking in an overpass or a suburban turtle? It makes about as much sense.

But then the TV has been nuts about the Pope stuff. They were lying in wait for years in anticipation of the last one’s death.

Granted, there are supposedly about 1 billion Catholics in the world. But I think all the fuss has more to do with the DaVinci Code, the intrigue of one of the last bastions of a male hierarchy in the West, and all the pomp and circumstance that looks pretty on camera. I mean, the Catholics pretty much invented the rock concert, or, at the very least the Broadway musical, and that’s what the last few weeks have seemed like.

Sure, I’m going to hell.

But the coverage pretty much convinced me that I am no longer Catholic -- and that I wouldn’t be wanted there anyway.

I mean they are so backwards with the communication stuff. How about next time, instead of polluting the bad Rome air with smoke, they text message everyone when they pick a pontiff? And there should be a Web site which is all white until the new one is revealed, then the screen turns black and his picture slowly reveals itself.

“Hi. I am your new pope. Thanks for logging on to Vatican.org. Remember to go to church every Sunday. Only have sex for procreation and if you are married. Don’t be gay. And if you are American, vote Republican,” the image would say.

Some priests last fall in parishes last fall pretty much were telling people it would be a sin to vote for John Kerry because of his stances on abortion, gay rights and birth control. Those issues mattered more than a war Pope JP II openly opposed.

The Church won’t allow women in roles of authority, doesn’t want anything to do with gay people and priests are supposed to be celibate.

Now I’m not saying Jesus was queer. But, since women have been set aside (even though there is evidence some played key roles in JC’s posse), the Church prefers the image of a single guy in his 30s hanging out with 12 other guys all the time as its savior than one who might have enjoyed the company of women, in the biblical sense or otherwise.

Celibacy just isn’t healthy. It can lead to prostate cancer.

And if sex is only for procreation, not recreation, are married Catholics allowed to do oral or hand-jobs or are those out of the question, too? What about masturbation? How bad of a sin is that? Who is hurt by it?

Birth control is wrong, but keeping people alive indefinitely by artificial means is fine. Parts of the world have AIDS epidemics raging and are overpopulated, but birth control and condoms are the selfish choices.

If the Church is serious about not liking gays, tear down the Sistine Chapel. All that nudity. And it was painted by a homo. You could sell it to some club in San Francisco’s Castro district.

If I’m being blasphemous, so be it. This too shall pass. Besides I did get something out of my Catholic education: Live and let live. Don’t screw people over. Don’t be selfish. Don’t judge. Treat others as you would like to be treated. And be skeptical.

I must a missed the parts about stains and standing on ceremony.

And once your Catholic, you don’t go anywhere else -- which spares me from being born again, which judging from the politicians who claim such would involve buying a gun, helping credit card companies and oil companies make more money and listening to lousy music.