Illini Swallow and other big (10) questions

Don’t get me wrong. The University of Illinois basketball team is quite entertaining. Overcoming a 15-point deficit like they did the other night, in a more honest world, would mean they could all get sweet endorsement deals.

After all, they have become media darlings in one of the biggest markets in the US of A. Good for them. They are a cool team.

But that doesn’t mean I still can’t make fun of the frenzy. Here are some questions to ponder before next weekend.

Suggest some of your own if you would.

If Illinois wins the tournament, and the team is suddenly seen as having street cred, a la North Carolina, Georgetown and Duke, will high schools start banning orange as a gang color? Or will Illinois adapt its gear much as other schools have to keep it real for the homeboys?

If Illinois loses, will some lame-ass reporter start looking into the curse of the Chief? Here, let me start the rumor: Illinois’ major sports teams will not win any national titles until the Chief is no longer a mascot. The Chief wants the teams to be called the SUVs. The tribal council has spoken.

Keeping in mind that all mascots are pretty stupid (not to mention how goofy one must be to dress up like a cartoon character in front of 20,000 people), if the Chief is so cool, how come (as far as I know) only white frat boys have donned the Wisconsin Dells-like outfit?

Is it true that to be the Chief you must know the words to at least three Cher songs?

Where have they been hiding the Chief? You haven’t seen him prancing about during the tournament.

What is more fun to watch for the sheer inanity, a TV reporter standing outside in bad weather, or a TV reporter at a sports bar interviewing drunken fans?

What does the guy with the big orange wig do for a living? What’s in his FBI file?

Shouldn’t you feel a bit ashamed of yourself if you pay $2,000 or more to sit in a huge domed stadium to watch a basketball game? It’s sort of like owning a Hummer, isn’t it?

Do you think Vern Lundquist prefers being a commentator for college hoops or for Olympic pairs skating?

What do you think the average age of the CBS basketball announcing crews is? My guess: 55

Does anyone really find the montage at the end of the tournament moving, since the soundtrack is that piece of pop poop One Moment In Time? That song is so schmaltzy I’m sure it must have been covered at least once on American Idol?

If you want to meet a Champaign-Urbana cop the places to be next Monday night: CAMS, COD, and just about anywhere else on Green Street. Reminder: they reserve the right to make your orange balls blue, with or without body paint.

What are the best types of body paint and are they ok for your skin?

Why is there a bus line called Illini Swallow?

Do you think Hugh Hefner will invite the team to the Playboy mansion?

Where do you think all the Nobel Prize winners will gather to watch the game?

Does the Daily Herald of Arlington Heights ever worry that people might mistake it for the Onion? They once had a front page banner story on what to do if you drive your car into a body of water. Last week they had a front pager on somebody’s lucky Easter egg (with a mysterious cross marking, since hard boiling it x number of years ago the family has won the lottery and...who cares, cuz it’s fucking stupid.) And every day since the tourney started they’ve has front page coverage of all you want to know about the team -- all the puffy stuff.

What I want to know is, how many college athletes at big time programs already have kids? I couldn’t even afford macaroni and cheese in college, much less raising a baby.

Did you know that the active ingredient in many cold and flu meds is HCL? Hydrochloric acid. That’s like bleach, isn’t it?

Sorry. Digressing. It’s March Madness catching up with me.

What the hell is a Tar Heel, anyway?