Gimme the grant money: proposal for another cellphone and driving study

Recent findings by researchers at major land grant universities confirm that people who use their cell phones while driving are a potential danger to others because they are so distracted by the conversation. This is even true for those using the hand-free phones, and phone-using drivers are even more distracted than those listening to the radio, eating or talking to someone else in the car.

No studies have indicated if such drivers are more distracted than those who are reading newspapers or books perched on the steering wheel or those talking to themselves.

First we would like to offer our scientific opinion: Well, duh. These people, for the most part are hideous morons.

So, in order to fully understand how truly dangerous cell phone drivers are, we here at State U. would like to propose the following experiment: compare and contrast the driving of cellphone using trophy wives in SUVs to that of teenage boys who are allowed to masturbate while behind the wheel of their “beaters.”

Our hypothesis is that the cell phone users will be proved to be even more dangerous behind the wheel than a teen toting his tool. More dangerous still would be the if such drivers see each other, especially if the women in question look like the cast of Desperate Housewives.

The experimental driving would be done in control situation on a course similar to ones suburban police use for drunk driving demonstrations.

Teens will be allowed one piece of stimulation (magazine on the seat, phone sex CD), but will not be allowed to use lubrication. One hand must remain on the steering wheel at all times. Michael Jackson is not to be made aware of this project under any circumstances.

Cellphone users may not use camera phones and also must keep one had on the wheel.