Monkey Business; The Ultimate Suburban News Story

This monkey, indeed, has gone to heaven.

An escaped helper monkey being raised by an exotic dancer died in a struggle with an alligator trying to drag a baby into a retention pond.

“He was a true hero, and if monkeys can be American, a true American hero,” said Riverton Fire Chief Robert “Pud” Puller.

“I’ll miss Mr. Spankers dearly. He was like a brother to me, and showed me that not all guys are pigs -- even though he did sort of like to play with himself. A lot,” said Candee Shoppe.

Shoppe, an English major at Kane County Community College (whose debate team, the Hooded Knights, recently placed second in the Alabama Juco Annual Scopes Revision Tournament), had the monkey to help her raise her young daughter.

She recently left the monkey with the child while she worked a golf outing put on by her employer, Diamond Cutters Gentlemen’s Club. When Carson returned home from the emergency room after the outing, where a doctors valiantly removed a putter lodged in an orifice in a freak links accident, her monkey was gone.

“Mr. Spankers was a good baby-sitter. I got him from one of my customers. I mean, from one of the patrons. And he knew sign language and was teaching it to my baby,” said Shoppe.

Shoppe, holding back tears, said she didn’t report her monkey missing, “because of the thing with the putter. And Mr. Spankers had left the baby tucked in and left what looked like a note - or maybe it was just (waste) spread on paper. I don’t know. When he didn’t come back for a week, I thought maybe he was (a jerk) like the other guys I know. But I was wrong”

Riverton residents reported seeing a monkey in area parks recently, but Carson never heard anything.

“I don’t read newspapers. Who does anymore? And TV news bums me out. I just watch reality shows. And I have an iPod so I don’t listen to the radio anymore,” said Carson.

Local zoologists have said the monkey may have left for any number of reasons.

“In their native lands, when things are as dry as they have been here, animals sometimes act out of character. In fact, there are stories of so-called drought monkeys,” explained animal husbandry expert Karyn Osos, who teaches at KCCC.

“Monkeys also are sensitive to the smell of crystal meth amphetamine,” added Osos, positing another theory.

The day of Mr. Spankers disappearance, what turned out to be a meth lab in the 800 block of High Street, not far from Shoppe’s apartment, was hit by rare dry-weather lightning.

“We were in the process of getting a warrant. But it looks like God helped us win this battle in the War on Drugs, which of course also is a skirmish in the War on Terrorism,” said Riverton Police Chief Larry “Krispy” Kreme.

As for Mr. Spankers, the mysterious monkey returned to Candy and Amborozia Shoppe’s life on a fateful afternoon, while mother and daughter were out for a walk on the grounds of their apartment complex in what turned out to be far from an idyllic suburban scenario.

Shoppe let her daughter wade into “Tahoe Shores,” the retention pond in the center of the Sierra Mist complex. Having not read recent reports, Shoppe was not aware of the hidden dangers held in such bodies of water.

What no one knew was what lurked under those waters (aside from shopping carts, mud, goose crap, fertilizer, pesticide and herbicide).

As “Baby Amby” got her feet muddy in the algae-ridden edge of the pond, something grabbed at her feet, her mother recalled. That something turned out to be an alligator someone had abandoned as a pet.

“Probably someone from the meth lab,” suggested Chief Kreme.

“But you gotta feel for the alligator, too. I mean we’re learning about empathy in Lit class, and the poor animal was left by its owners, without even a monkey to help him,” said Shoppe.

But her own monkey did help. Mr. Spankers apparently was living in a palm tree the complex had imported for its summer “Jimmy Buffet Friday Magaritaville Mixers” at a pool near the retention pond.

When Mr. Spankers saw what was happening he scurried down the tree. According to several witnesses mentioned in redacted police reports that we didn’t bother to follow up on ourselves, the monkey next made what looked like sign language gestures to the 4-year-old. Then, the monkey shrieked and grabbed the alligator by its tale, which caused the perpetrating species to release its grip, reports stated.

The monkey then wrestled with the alligator. Reports stated that the monkey apparently did not know how to swim though and drowned as the battle went about five feet past the shore.

Ironically, with the lack of rain, the water Mr. Spankers drown in was only 6 inches deep, police said.

“Monkeys are not good with depth perception,” explained KCCC’s Osos.

Yet, Mr. Spankers was able to bite the head off the young alligator before his lungs filled with pond scum and dirty water.

“I like to think he signed to Amoborozia, letting her know how much he loved her and that everything would be OK,” said Shoppe.

Shoppe said a memorial service is being planned at Diamond Cutter’s for her honorable pet, “as soon as I get the government and those crazy animal rights people off by back.” (An source who wishes to remain anonymous confirmed that the Department of Child and Family Services is looking into the case -- a “routine investigation, considering the extraordinary nature of the case.”)

Shoppe’s child was transported by paramedics to St. James Infirmary, where she was treated for bite marks and for a bacterial infection she picked up from the pond water. Both mother and child were tested for West Nile Virus.