And then I woke up

When there is a horrible world crisis - and if you think about it, when isn't there - it's not a real good idea to go to sleep with the TV on. You might wake up before 2 a.m. to see Katie Couric gabbing with Charlie Rose about her trip to Haiti. And it might scare the existential crap out of you.

I don't even know if scare is the right word. It's more a combination of outrage, impotence, futility, anger, angst, and it's why the word "fuck" exists in the first place. See, here's cute Katie with her dangling earrings and tight sweater playing a clip of a little black kid trapped in Haiti screaming at the top of his lungs, "Why God, why?"

And if you're Katie fucking Couric, this is golden right? You go back to your multi-million dollar lifestyle in New York with your compelling clip, and, as far as I can tell, this kid is still there waiting for someone to bring him medical attention or even a glass of water. Oohh Charlie, look at all this suffering! I mean, Christ, this is Emmy-winning, ain't it Charlie?

I heard her last Friday, too, talking with a family that had one bowl of soup between the 12 of them, and I was thinking Katie, take them back to the fucking media tent and get them some goddamn food, you self-serving bitch. See, she pisses me off because she's become my symbol for surreal nature of all this.

Her and Anderson and the rest can fly in an out at will to tell everybody about how horrible all of this is. No shit. But your modus operandi is to hit and run on to the next debacle in the short-attention span wired world.

There's a certain pornographic quality about this, these outsiders and their "journalistic" distance wallowing in the suffering of the poorest of the poor. I mean how can you watch a woman put her six-year-old son on a bus by himself in the hopes that somebody on the other end will be there to pick him up and stand by and do nothing, because it's not your job to get involved, it's just your job to record? That they can show this live around the world or put it on the radio or the Web instantly - but these folks are still waiting for aid just adds to how bizarre and frustrating this all is.

And I bet those people in Haiti are super happy that the thoughts of the Golden Globe Awards attendees are with them - if only they had electricity so they could hear that jackass James Cameron asking Hollywood to give it up for themselves and how his simple-minded "Dances With Smurfs" movie shows how we're all interconnected (and I didn't watch this - I caught it on YouTube). At least the actors shown listening had the sense to look uncomfortable with this nonsense.

And lest you think I am turning into some liberal-bashing tea-bagger, don't even get me started on that fat fuck Rush Limbaugh and how Haiti will be one big publicity stunt for Barack Obama. Yeah, Rush, Big Barry was just waiting for the hammer to come down on one of the saddest places on Earth, just so he could bask in the glory of its redemption. In fact, Obama is one of the X-men, and he can CAUSE earthquakes, whenever he feels like it, but only to divert attention away from the health care mess, the two wars, the recession and Iron Chef faking using vegetable's from his wife's White House garden.

I don't see your fat ass down in Haiti, Rush, preferring to let your bitter old white guy meanness pass as humor from a distance. Which is a good thing, because you look like you'd be better eating than Katie or Anderson. With all that marbled meat on your bones and the drugs in your system you'd cook up nicely should it come to that, marinate in your own juices. And you know that TV sort of secretly hopes it gets that terribly anarchic.

But for now, it's just hundreds, maybe thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of bodies piled up on streets and that kid crying "Why God why?" And that's not a question lazy-ass, soft-living me likes to hear at 2 a.m.

Because this all reinforces that despite all the advances in technology, despite our best intentions - and I do believe we are mostly a nation of the well-meaning - despite James Cameron being able to make a special effects movie for $300 million - that sometimes there's not a damn thing you can do beyond trying your best. And sometimes that's not enough.

See, you want to believe that you live in the land of Superman, that we can go in an instantly solve a problem, that cruise ships, their hulls stuffed with food, could be in port right now feeding the Haitian masses. It's not supposed to take a week to get the basics to these people just a couple hundred miles off the coast of Florida. We're supposed to have all this figured out, right, because that's who we are? Things are never, ever, out of our control, right?

And that little kid echoing in my head, bringing me to tears... And here I am writing about him, dare I say exploiting him, just like Katie did, grinding out tragedy for the media machine. I'm a jerk, too, in bed, sad little me, worrying about how meaningless and trivial his suburban life is, all because he forgot to turn off the television.

Why God why?

Kid, you're not gonna get that question answered. Ok. Maybe Pat Roberston will explain it for you. It's because your ancestors made a deal with Satan to get rid of the French, so God has been punishing your island nation ever since.

Maybe your clip will get played on a the inevitable telethon. Maybe some cheeseball on American Idol will dedicate a song to you.

Katie only had a half hour with Charlie. Now Charlie is babbling with douche bag TV exec Jeff Zucker about the Conan and Jay Leno controversy, which really has America polarized. Idiots actually were out protesting O'Brien's ouster from The Tonight Show all across the country. They met through Facebook, but the local news was disappointed only 75 showed up in Chicago to demonstrate.

I'm going to try to get some sleep in the hopes my cynicism subsides to mere skepticism by morning.