Office party rules so Monday is less stressful

With apologies to Bill Maher, here are some rules to follow if you get decide to attend a work-related party.

Always leave yourself an out. If you’re married, here’s where having kids comes in handy. Otherwise say you have church in the morning. Actually go and thank God for being an excuse.

Always lock the bathroom door behind you.

Dress appropriately for you age, height and weight, even if it is a costume party.

Be wary of parties with themes. Themes sometimes mean you will be asked to by product you will never use, might have to wear a costume, or be forced to sing karaoke.

Karaoke is only funny when everyone is really drunk. And if you decide to sing it means it’s time to look for a ride home, especially if you sing Wind Beneath My Wings.

If you are serving tacos, make sure the person bringing the taco shells lives closer than 45 minutes away. Assign the foods by distance to your door.

It is not a good idea to ask a coworker his or her sexual preference or with whom he or she is having sex.

If the above happens, you are allowed to say you are now into alpacas. They are trendier than sheep.

If no one else gets in the pool, stay out of the pool.

Hang out with people you don’t know and may never see again. It’s safer. Besides, they haven’t heard your stories and jokes.

If asked who the hottest woman in the office is, do not, REPEAT, do not answer. Of course, that means you might be asked if you are gay. See above.

Do not show off you tattoos or piercings.

Tequila doesn’t count as a dish to bring.

Do no show off your photos and music collection. Leave the iPod or iPhone at home.

Remember that cell phones have video cameras. You can wind up on You Tube. Or X-Tube Which reminds: cell phones with cameras should be checked at the door.

Board games should only be played if your parents are at the party.

Don’t serve red wine if you have a beige carpet - or any food that may come back up in pretty colors.

Never bring a book to a party. Or a pornographic magazine.

As the Romans put it, Semper Ubi Sub Ubi.

When all else fails, just shut up, eat, then go home.